The Bastard WILL Cut the Queue

The Bastard is not a patient fellow. He will utilize any means at his discretion to cut ahead of you in line. Examples:

1. You’ve seen the so called “Status Access” Security lines at many large airports where passengers with high airline status levels can utilize a much shorter line to access TSA screening? Well, through careful observation and testing, the Bastard has learned that the confluence of several factors will often afford non-status passengers the ability to access this line. Most of these techniques require or will be much assisted by looking like a “pro” traveler, which means showered, shaved, roller bag & laptop bag & professional attire:
   1. If you are flying with a status passenger, stick with them, the airline will let you through.
   2. Often these lines are completely unmanned. Enter at will.
   3. For minimal queue: Look for Airline Personnel that are bored, sleepy or otherwise inattentive. Arrange your boarding pass in your hand to ensure that it can be identified as a boarding pass but that your thumb obscures the area of the pass where status is shown. Look at the passes of legit passengers to identify this area. Adapt a harried visage and a quick step and wave the obscured boarding pass at the lazy Airline Personnel, saying “Thank You!” They will let you through rather than stop a potentially late status flier.
   4. For queues: Make yourself invisible. Using a combination of the jedi mind-trick and the way of the ninja, meld yourself to the person in front of you in line, as if you are a single passenger. His or her buttcheeks are your buttcheeks. What is the sound of one hand clapping? Shadow your host passenger on the opposite side from the Airline Personnel and use your host as a block. Do not acknowledge the Airline Personnel if at all possible. When approaching, focus your attention on something in your bag and quietly rifle through as if the Airline Personnel simply does not exist in your reality. Avoid engagement at all costs and if they insist, mumble that “we’re travelling together” and nod at your host.
   5. Pretend that you and the passenger in front of you are traveling together. Engage them in some small talk just prior to the Airline Personnel, tell a joke (not racist!) to have a good shared moment or even just ask them the time at the right moment for it to be observed and to associate yourself with them. When the Airline Personnel engages you, delay for a moment in producing your boarding pass (allowing your host to move out of earshot) then confidently state that “we’re traveling together” nodding at your host passenger.
   6. Rely on the kindness and gullibility of your fellow elites. Apologetically ask a passenger near you in the queue if they’d be willing to take you through the Airport Personnel and help you catch a flight that you’re running dangerously late for. Elites will respond best to confidence, professionalism, and a big smile.
2. The Bastard is NOT obligated to wait for your slow stupid ass to get your shit on the conveyor. If you hesistate for a single moment and there is a 30cm gap in the luggage conveyor leading up to the X-Ray machine, the Bastard will take this as an invitation to better utilize the security process and move ahead of you in line, flatulating as he does so to illustrate his opinion of your glacial pace.
3. The Bastard will rely on more lazy Airline Personnel to allow him to board with the first non-1st-Class group. He may be “group 3″ or “D” but will try to enter with 2 or B. 90% of the time the Airline personnel do not care and will allow him through. For the 10% of the time that they do stop him he will demurely wait to the side near the entry desk, checking out the wonderful asses of all the ladies that board ahead of him while carefully observing the queue. When he has determined that the Airline Personnel is about to announce his group, he will step forward and proffer his pass, thus making him the first to enter with his group. Why does the Bastard want to board early? Well, dummy, it’s because many airlines have started charging for 2nd bags because of fuel prices. As such, fuckfaces that used to check 2 bags are now dragging the second bag onboard to save the $25. What this means to you is that if you’re in the airline ghetto in the back of the plane and are one of the last to board, you may be subject to compulsory baggage check! This means that you may very well need to go to the baggage carousel and wait after landing, and we all know that the baggage carousel is for fucking losers. Real travelers carry on.

Lesson: The only rules in travel are 1. survival of the fittest and 2. that all gels and liquids must be in a 3oz or less container stored in a one-quart plastic zipper bag that must be removed from your bag and sent separately through the X-ray machine. The first rule is all-important. The second rule is complete bullshit.

See Also: My fucking brilliant post on how to evaluate a Security Line.