20 Wise Quotes from the Bastard

1. It is a simple and kind man who does not fucking recline.
2. In travel, the wisdom of the crowds is reversed and the wise man moves away from the morons thick like flies.
3. A healthy man seeking happiness must never crap on the fucking airplane or in the fucking airport.
4. The man who enters the airplane last will surrender his satchel to the airplane gods – be prompt.
5. Listen not to the lies of the shithead taxi drivers.
6. When the soil of another nation is underfoot, try to present oneself as Canadian. No man nor woman holds ill will toward the Canadian.
7. Always collect thy loyalty points like petals on the wind, and place them in your pocket to enjoy their fucking fragrance another day.
8. Speak not ill of the inexperienced passenger – but fart amply in their general direction.
9. Consider carefully thy gratuity and make it match the love and consideration you have received from thy server.
10. When a fellow passenger takes pause in line – distracted or confused, swiftly move ahead of them like the fucking wind.
11. Place thy satchel closest to God (or the cockpit) in the overhead bin, for it will be most swiftly retrieved when not jockeying for space with other deboarding passengers.
12. Judge thy fellow passengers fucking harshly.
13. In strange ports trust not the offerings of false taxi-drivers when emerging from your conveyance, for they are liars and thieves.
14. Never, ever eat the local food specialty in a third-world country unless you are protected by Pepto and soothed by baby-ass-wipes.
15. When hoping for help from an agent of travel, begin with niceness, flattery and a loving heart. If this fails, be a complete and utter Bastard.
16. Trust not the money-changers in the small alleys of foreign ports for they give the worst of rates. Do thy homework and identify state-affiliated banks that are as such compelled to provide maximum fucking exchange.
17. It is offensive to not negotiate the best price with vigor! Always start negotiation at 20% of the actual item value and pay no more than 80% actual value!
18. When sleeping in questionable lodging or dodgy youth hostel, always grip thy passport and cash with intensity as you sleep. Your dreams will be as sweet as your waking to find your belongings still in your possession.
19. Drink often to excess and intoxication but vomit far from your lodging and clothes.
20. Always consult the wisdom of The Bastard Traveler before leaving home.

Lesson: “Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things – air, sleep, dreams, the sea, the sky – all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it.” – Cesare Pavese

Inspired by 20 Wise Quotes from the Dalai Lama
See Also: 50 Most Inspiring Travel Quotes