20 Wise Quotes from the Bastard

1. It is a simple and kind man who does not fucking recline.
2. In travel, the wisdom of the crowds is reversed and the wise man moves away from the morons thick like flies.
3. A healthy man seeking happiness must never crap on the fucking airplane or in the fucking airport.
4. The man who enters the airplane last will surrender his satchel to the airplane gods – be prompt.
5. Listen not to the lies of the shithead taxi drivers.
6. When the soil of another nation is underfoot, try to present oneself as Canadian. No man nor woman holds ill will toward the Canadian.
7. Always collect thy loyalty points like petals on the wind, and place them in your pocket to enjoy their fucking fragrance another day.
8. Speak not ill of the inexperienced passenger – but fart amply in their general direction.
9. Consider carefully thy gratuity and make it match the love and consideration you have received from thy server.
10. When a fellow passenger takes pause in line – distracted or confused, swiftly move ahead of them like the fucking wind.
11. Place thy satchel closest to God (or the cockpit) in the overhead bin, for it will be most swiftly retrieved when not jockeying for space with other deboarding passengers.
12. Judge thy fellow passengers fucking harshly.
13. In strange ports trust not the offerings of false taxi-drivers when emerging from your conveyance, for they are liars and thieves.
14. Never, ever eat the local food specialty in a third-world country unless you are protected by Pepto and soothed by baby-ass-wipes.
15. When hoping for help from an agent of travel, begin with niceness, flattery and a loving heart. If this fails, be a complete and utter Bastard.
16. Trust not the money-changers in the small alleys of foreign ports for they give the worst of rates. Do thy homework and identify state-affiliated banks that are as such compelled to provide maximum fucking exchange.
17. It is offensive to not negotiate the best price with vigor! Always start negotiation at 20% of the actual item value and pay no more than 80% actual value!
18. When sleeping in questionable lodging or dodgy youth hostel, always grip thy passport and cash with intensity as you sleep. Your dreams will be as sweet as your waking to find your belongings still in your possession.
19. Drink often to excess and intoxication but vomit far from your lodging and clothes.
20. Always consult the wisdom of The Bastard Traveler before leaving home.

Lesson: “Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things – air, sleep, dreams, the sea, the sky – all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it.” – Cesare Pavese

Inspired by 20 Wise Quotes from the Dalai Lama
See Also: 50 Most Inspiring Travel Quotes

Airport Chili’s – The Restaurant of Last Resort

Sometimes the Bastard winds up in some airport for a layover for a few hours and needs to blow some time. If there aren’t any titty bars near by, I wander the airport, gazing angrily at the shops and fast food joints. Sometimes, if the Bastard is particularly exhausted and the choices at that airport are particularly crappy, I’ll wander into a Chili’s.

I must be particularly exhausted to wander into a Chili’s because otherwise I’d remember that I fucking hate Chili’s. I’d remember that I despise their high tables sandwiched virtually on top of one another. I’d remember that I hate their shitty selection of crap bar-fare on their greasy menus. If I wasn’t half-dazed I’d remember that their beer selection is for shit and their heavily-advertised blender drinks apparently contain no alcohol. I’d remember that their decor is hackneyed 80′s Friday’s/Bennigan’s/Crapplebee’s with a layer of grease on top. I would remember that the food that arrives at the table is always crap.

White-trash gourmands say that you can make any food better by frying it. Chili’s has taken this mantra to heart with virtually their whole menu, yet they seem to be the only restaurant in existence that can make food shittier by frying it. Their soups – watery. Their salads, lacking in veggie variety (to say nothing of the dressings that all taste like ranch). At any price, Chili’s would be a ripoff. Chili’s fucking sucks.

Lesson: No matter how far you have to walk to find an alternative dining establishment, it’s close enough.

On Shitty Tippers

I’ve discussed tipping at great length with friends of many nationalities, and I have a few words for you fuckfaces out there who don’t tip, ever, or always leave a shitty tip.

See, you fuck up the whole system. Tipping should be a glowing example of a capitalistic pay-for-performance system, but you non- and shit- tippers have turned it into more of a profiling system for the foodservice industry.

See, they’re no dummies. They take one look at you when you walk in the door and they size up within 5 seconds whether you’re going to tip well. It’s your demeanor, the state of repair of your shoes, the seasonality of your clothes, your hair and makeup, your umbrella, your nationality, ethnic or religious persuasion – everything.

The problem is that profiling patrons is very difficult and inconsistent. The Bastard, as a firm believer in tipping, is usually generous, but sometimes I look like a total slob and reek of body odor and flatulence. I could easily be mistaken for a homeless person and a poor tipper and am sometimes given poor service because of this. Likewise, when I’m shaved and dressed in my business attire including cape, cuffs and links, I tend to get great service.

Which means that service is becoming more of a function of how you fit into the profile than an effort to earn the best tip – because you nontipping assholes have messed it up for everyone else.

I can hear it already: “bwah, I always get bad service so I never tip.” Well, Sherlock, you get shit service because they already KNOW that you are not going to tip! They probably saw you thirty feet away from the entrance and drew straws for who was going to have to serve you.

So here’s a little exercise for you people who “always” get bad service. Before you go out, estimate whatever you expect to spend, then add 15% to that. Put that amount of cash in your pocket and keep telling yourself for 7 days that you are going to get kickass service and you are going to leave an appropriately kickass tip. Put the money under your pillow when you go to bed. Hold it in the other hand when you pet the family pet. If you wipe your bottom with your left hand, hold it in your right and vice-versa (DO NOT wipe your bottom with the money!) Convince yourself that you are going to get great service and that you are going to reward the poor bastard that is serving you appropriately.

Next, the evening that you go out, take a shower. Wash your armpits and groin area thoroughly and brush your teeth. Floss. Comb your hair. Shave the appropriate areas for your gender. Apply deodorant or anti-perspirant and perhaps even cologne or perfume. Wear something that is reasonably fashionable and was bought in the last year. Tell yourself that you are a great person and that you are going to get great service and you are going to leave a great tip. Say it over and over again. Do whatever you do to relax – like reading one of Stephen Kings newer, shittier books. Or watch some Paradise Hotel 2 or brush your Pomeranian. Fucking relax. Don’t even THINK of leaving the house unless your stingy, jaded, tightwad ass is fully unclenched.

Then, maybe, if you’ve done all this, you will go to the restaurant and have an amazing time. Your eyes may be open to the fact that the server is a human being, like you, and is just trying to get along. Your guests will find your conversation fascinating and your anecdotes hilarious. You will order with a smile and your server will reciprocate and will exchange some light witticisms with you. Your food will be timely, exactly as ordered, and will be utterly delicious. You will have a few drinks (not too many – baby steps!) that you will order without asking the price first. You will be so filled with ebullience and joy at this wonderful experience that by the end of the dinner, it will be unthinkable to not tip at least 15%.

And thus, you will have had a wonderful time and joined the rest of society, making the tipping system a tiny bit better.

Coming Soon: On Milquetoast Pussy-Boy Overtippers (who also fuck up the whole system)

Lesson: Tip appropriately. If you’re too cheap to tip, you shouldn’t go to full-service restaurants.

See Also: The Field Negro on Tip Cups