20 Wise Quotes from the Bastard

1. It is a simple and kind man who does not fucking recline.
2. In travel, the wisdom of the crowds is reversed and the wise man moves away from the morons thick like flies.
3. A healthy man seeking happiness must never crap on the fucking airplane or in the fucking airport.
4. The man who enters the airplane last will surrender his satchel to the airplane gods – be prompt.
5. Listen not to the lies of the shithead taxi drivers.
6. When the soil of another nation is underfoot, try to present oneself as Canadian. No man nor woman holds ill will toward the Canadian.
7. Always collect thy loyalty points like petals on the wind, and place them in your pocket to enjoy their fucking fragrance another day.
8. Speak not ill of the inexperienced passenger – but fart amply in their general direction.
9. Consider carefully thy gratuity and make it match the love and consideration you have received from thy server.
10. When a fellow passenger takes pause in line – distracted or confused, swiftly move ahead of them like the fucking wind.
11. Place thy satchel closest to God (or the cockpit) in the overhead bin, for it will be most swiftly retrieved when not jockeying for space with other deboarding passengers.
12. Judge thy fellow passengers fucking harshly.
13. In strange ports trust not the offerings of false taxi-drivers when emerging from your conveyance, for they are liars and thieves.
14. Never, ever eat the local food specialty in a third-world country unless you are protected by Pepto and soothed by baby-ass-wipes.
15. When hoping for help from an agent of travel, begin with niceness, flattery and a loving heart. If this fails, be a complete and utter Bastard.
16. Trust not the money-changers in the small alleys of foreign ports for they give the worst of rates. Do thy homework and identify state-affiliated banks that are as such compelled to provide maximum fucking exchange.
17. It is offensive to not negotiate the best price with vigor! Always start negotiation at 20% of the actual item value and pay no more than 80% actual value!
18. When sleeping in questionable lodging or dodgy youth hostel, always grip thy passport and cash with intensity as you sleep. Your dreams will be as sweet as your waking to find your belongings still in your possession.
19. Drink often to excess and intoxication but vomit far from your lodging and clothes.
20. Always consult the wisdom of The Bastard Traveler before leaving home.

Lesson: “Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things – air, sleep, dreams, the sea, the sky – all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it.” – Cesare Pavese

Inspired by 20 Wise Quotes from the Dalai Lama
See Also: 50 Most Inspiring Travel Quotes

A Note To Taxi Drivers Everywhere

Dear Taxi Drivers;

You know me. I’m the person who, at pickup, leans in and asks “do you take credit cards?” even though in many cities it’s THE LAW that you accept credit cards. You almost always reply “yes”. Then, when I get a few miles from my destination, you start with some story about how you just remembered that the card reader isn’t working, or that you only accept Bank of Buttfuck cards or that your receipt printer is out of ink or that the swipe mechanism is jammed with a used condom.

This letter is to let you know that I know you are completely full of shit. The reason I ask BEFORE I get in the car is because I WILL be paying with a credit card. Feel free to spin whatever tale you wish and I will simply sit in the back seat silently until we reach our destination. It will be as if I have gone deaf in the span of our ride together because I will not respond to these tall tales in any way. I will look out the window or busy myself on my laptop or Blackberry, but I will not respond.

When we reach our destination, I will exit the taxi with my belongings and will hand my card through the window despite your tale of credit card woe. When you reiterate why it will only be with tremendous difficulty that you may accept my credit card I will simply respond “I asked when you picked me up and I have no cash. You must accept this card as payment or not get paid.” This is a lie, admittedly. I surely have in excess of two hundred one-dollar bills rolled up in a rubber-band in my pocket for the titty-bar. However, it is because of all the tall tales that taxi drivers have told before you that I always, ALWAYS pay by credit card. Every second of resistance that you now offer will be ticking percentages off your tip. The more you resist, the less tip you will get. Ho! Did you hear that? That’s your tip dropping by 5%! There it is again!

Which is ironic and short-sighted of you. You resist the card because you do not want to make the payment associated with the transaction, but the more you resist, the less you will be paid. Trust me when I say that your net gain will be higher if you do not resist my card. I am a good tipper when I do not have to listen to your bullshit.

Love,

The Bastard Traveler

Lesson: Ask before you get in the taxi and NEVER believe the stories about their card reader. You did your due diligence when you entered the cab and you have the right to refuse payment if they refuse your card. Do not engage them until you have reached your destination and you have the upper hand.

See Also: Woman Says NY Cabbie Punched Her In The Face Because She Wanted Pay With A Credit Card