Wanna Get There Real Slow? Take the Big Boat!

Believe it or not the Bastard does indeed recognize that good travel is really about the journey, not just the arrival. With that in mind the Bastard has traveled slowly on occasion, taking the road less traveled, the restaurant less touristy, the tour guide with less teeth. But when he saw this article about traveling by container ships, well, that made the Bastard’s puckered visage crack into something horrible that vaguely resembles a smile:

Most of the major global shipping lines CMA-CGM, Canada Maritime, and Bank Line offer paying passengers to hop on one of their lines. As a paying passenger you are accommodated in guest cabins and have access to most areas of the ship.

Captains and crew spend a lot of time on the water, and they are usually happy to have a fresh face walking around their workplace, meaning that they may even invite you to eat with them, give you tours of the ship and maybe even have you over for an Officer’s happy hour.

Continue reading How to Travel by Cargo Ship »

Lesson: The Bastard wants to travel by a conveyance designed to carry big steel boxes full of the shit that people probably don’t really need. He’s also thrilled by the idea that his boat could tip over at any moment like the Cougar Ace.

United Airlines Redefines Horrific Service (Even for Them!)

Just when it seems like the airlines can’t possibly soak you for any more fees or invent any new ways to piss you off , one of them goes and takes it to a whole new level. After Anita Cabral bought tickets for 8 passengers to Hawaii six months in advance, United bumped much of her party from their flight and proceeded to lie, lie lie about it…

But that made no sense. Her stepfather had just confirmed his seat, using a different reservation number, so the flight obviously wasn’t canceled.

United threw out another explanation – a computer “lost” their reservations. That made no sense, either. If her reservations weren’t in the computer, why did she get an e-mail telling her to check in?

At last, United confessed. There was indeed a flight, but they’d been bumped from it. Their assigned seats had been sold to someone else.

And of course, United was not interested that the trip was…

a chance for her grown children to see their father, Cabral’s ex, who was in a hospice dying of cancer.

The Bastard is not the litigious type but I’d be beating a path to my lawyer’s door on this one. Fuck!

Continue reading Bad airline stories are nothing like this »

Lesson: The airlines, even more than most companies, can and will take any opportunity to fuck you over. After 60 years listening to customers whine and bitch about service many no longer give a shit about serving anyone. Which is great for the airlines that do care. And you know who they are. If you don’t check here.

Airlines’ Rising Fees have Confused, Angered the Bastard

The Bastard thinks of USA Today as the PEOPLE Magazine of news, but since it appears magically outside of his hotel room he occasionally gifts the broadsheet with his withering gaze. Today, the Bastard’s eyebrows were raised momentarily in surprise when he discovered something actually useful in the rag, and thus he has deemed to inform you of it.

Aside from the typical complaints you’ve been seen across media outlets about the increase in fees that airlines are instituting to buttress revenues against fuel prices, USA Today has included a very handy chart to compare fees across airlines! From 1st, 2nd, and 3rd bag-check fees to snacks to frequent-flier fees to airline clubs to book-by-fone fees, this table strokes the Bastard’s infoporn node quite vigorously. Unfortunately, the web version isn’t as pretty as the print version – but it dies the trick.

Click here to see the table (scroll down to bottom of article) »

Lesson: USA Today doesn’t always suck. Economy passengers should expect ticket prices to include a seat and a carry-on and that’s it. Everything else will be ala carte in the near future – even at Southwest. Mark my words.

Don’t Drink from the Hotel Drinking Glasses, Dummy!

This is my no means new news but it always bears repeating for folks that aren’t as in the know as your precious Bastard. Take a moment and consider: have you ever seen glasses being transported to and from rooms at hotels, presumably to be washed? Have you ever observed any sort of mechanism to wash glasses as part of the room service cart? No? The Bastard hasn’t either – because glasses are not transported nor are they cleaned properly. They are hastily cleaned in the room by the attendants who really don’t give a fuck how clean your glasses are.

See also: Snopes on Hotel Glasses

Lesson: Don’t fucking drink from the water glasses at your hotel. You may place change in them, scoop doggie doodoo with them, use them for making sandcastles, but never, ever drinking. Sealed disposable plastic cups are OK. Purchase your own plastic cup to take with you in your travels and stuff a pair of clean underwear into it for packing effeciency.

High-Five, You Impatient Bastard!

Guyanese authorities say a first-class airline passenger was so angry at seeing economy passengers leave a jetliner before him that he yanked open an emergency hatch and slid down the chute.

Continue reading Angry flier uses emergency slide to exit Delta jet »

The Bastard is always delighted to read about other enraged passengers, and particularly those who do deranged shit in fits of anger. It reminds the Bastard that it is only through the monumental societal pressure to conform that Airlines are able to continually degrade we passengers as a matter of course. Occasionally, one passenger will crack and pull a stunt like this and it’s a nice reminder that, despite the arrest and fine, man does indeed have free will – even in the airplane.

Plus, the Bastard has always fantasized about sliding down the emergency slide. Whee! Would probably be killer on the Bastard’s hemorrhoids, though.

Lesson: Chill out, motherfucker. Save it for the blog.

Don’t Go There

Don’t Go There! Is a new blog featuring tortured travelers’ tales of tribulation:

I pulled back the covers to find a dirty, crusty, piece of tissue paper in between the sheets…

Continue reading Don’t Go There! »

While the Bastard appreciates the sentiment and wishes this blogger well, readers should be advised that their nightmare tales should always be submitted to the Bastard first.

Lesson: There are so many fucked-up travel nightmares out there that people like the Bastard and Don’t Go There can document them for entertainment purposes.

A Fucking Important Safety Message for Friday

Click to view:

Lesson: Even the Bastard laughs, though very rarely. And it sounds like a can of rusty screws bring kicked down the street by your neighborhood bully.

Way to Hit the Nail on the Motherfucking Head!

Lesson: Soon you will be paying extra for seat cushions that are not marinated in urine.

Thanks to The Knee Defender for this submission.

Chalk Another One Up for Moron Security

The stories of airport security fuckitude will continue until the day that someone with 2 brain cells to rub together takes over – which is to say they shall continue until the earth goes supernova. As always, they let through the real security hazards and get their assholes in a twist over items that have absolutely no security implications whatsoever. Maybe security thinks that by letting a woman with a 2″ silver revolver pendant fly, they are letting the terrorists win, but in this Bastard’s opinion, the fact that this poor Canadian was harangued is cold evidence that the terrorists have already won.

On Monday, Marnina Norys, a Toronto resident and PhD student studying Social Political Thought, was put through the bureaucratic and culture-of-fear rigmarole while trying to board a place in Kelowna – all because she wore a necklace with a pendant in the shape of a gun (the classic Colt45, and the actual pendant depicted in the above photo).

Continue reading Torontonian Tries to Board Plane at Kelowna Airport while Toting a Gun »

Also this week – more gun image nonsense with Security @ Heathrow:

A man wearing a T-shirt depicting a cartoon character holding a gun was stopped from boarding a flight by the security at Heathrow’s Terminal 5.

Continue reading Gun T-shirt ‘was a security risk’ »

Lesson: Understand that your airport security personnel are like children. Except that children do not have absolute power over you in the airport. These Children Security cannot tell the difference between a threatening object and an nonthreatening object and anything that even causes them the slightest anxiety will lead to anal search and extended harassment. Keep your eyes down, look meek, and keep your conversation to kittens, cookies and dancing faeries lest you frighten these delicate creatures with no inkling of rational thought.

Thanks to The Knee Defender for this submission.

Please Save The Bastard a Fucking Seat!

The bastard loves nothing more than a vigorous screed against the state of travel, so when one of the Bastard’s minions forwarded along this blog post I was overjoyed to know I would have somewhere to sit:

After a week spent flying from Texas to Virginia to Chicago back to Texas, my verdict is official – air travel is simply wretched. Unless you have the money to decamp to first class, which I do not, it is a soul-sucking, annoying, tiring disaster.

Continue reading If you have nothing good to say about U.S. travel, come sit by me »

One suggestion to the author – let’s ditch the “hecks” and spice it up with some “fucks,” please.

Lesson: The Bastard’s misery is shared by even the sweetest of mom bloggers. And that there are no decent options for travel in the United States short of attaching your tightie-whities to a cruise missile and heading for EYE-RAK!