Stuff the Bastard Likes: Non-Metallic Belts

The Bastard doesn’t like to disrobe for anyone but washee-washee, masseuses, and his Reiki practitioner.  Taking off his belt in security adds precious seconds to a routine that the Bastard practices in front of the teevee 12 times every night.  Thus the Bastard started a quest to find a non-metallic traveler belt.

To his surprise, such an object is fairly uncommon and is either hellaciously overpriced or of dumbass [TM] design. The Bastard looked into making his own but his sewing machine was in the shop. Eventually he found the TDU Belt from the Officer Store – all plastic! No metal! Just like the cops and TSA bullies wear!

Now, when he dresses for travel he puts on his TDU belt and marvels at the minutes that are slowly accumulating in his not having to remove and replace his belt at security. Bastard uses this time in the airport bar, drowning his misery in hard liquor and crap food.

Lesson: Anything you can do to streamline security is, as Martha might say, a “good fucking thing.“

PS: No, this is not a sponsored post. Everything I do, I do it for you. Fuck knows why.

The Airport Police State Strikes Again!

In case you missed the memo, no one has any rights at US Airports. Of course, US citizens’ rights outside the airport have also been degraded significantly by George Bush, his cronies, and the limp-dick congress, but, at the airport, forget it. Assume you are in the good old USSR once you pass through security and you’ll be fine. There’s no accountability, no real rules, and no way to seek redress for abuses by the security theater folks at the TSA, the secret police working for the DHS or the local police who are just as clueless as you are.

The one thing that the TSA/Airline Security Theater Troupe hates most is being recorded. When they’re recorded, they lose plausible deniability and can’t just lie their ass off and say it never happened. In this case, a 56-year-old woman videotaped an on-air altercation from her seat, by all accounts disturbing no one, and was arrested, threatened with blacklisting, and banned from JetBlue:

“The police, a JetBlue rep and a TSA official all looked at the video and agreed that it was too dark to really see who was on it and that it clearly had been shot from my seat, so I had not interfered with anything that was going on,” Parver said. “I assumed that was the end of it.” At that point, the representative with JetBlue requested that she delete the video, Parver added.

“He informed me that if I didn’t immediately delete it, I could never fly on JetBlue again,” she said. “He said that he would be filing a report that would be shared with other airlines, and I might have a hard time getting any airline to let me fly.”

Parver requested a written notice that she was going to be denied service from the airline, as well as possibly others. The representative and LVMPD officers then asked her to leave, Parver said.

Parver then asked for everyone’s name, when the officer told her to leave or be arrested, she said.

“I said, ‘Then arrest me.’”

At that point the officer arrested her, pushed her against the wall and forced her down a flight of stairs, Parver said.”

Continue reading Woman detained by airline over video »

Lesson: Ben Franklin said “Those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.” and thus his prophesy has come to pass.

Dickbag of the Week

When I boarded my Thurs flight last week I notice a fella getting on at the end of boarding, but he’s in row 5. Because almost everyone has boarded and no one wants to pay to check bags, he has to go WAAAAY to the back of the plane to stow his bag. Dumbass.

When the flight lands and seatbelts come off, this guy launches out of his seat and immediately begins plowing back toward the back of the plane toward his bag. “Excuse me … excuse me … my bag … excuse me,” and shouldering through all the other passengers. Douche.

Then, the flight crew comes on to announce that they have mis-parked the plane and need to move it ONE FOOT for the jetway to dock properly. Everyone has to sit down. And everyone does, except … guess who. Dickbag has to be told … firmly … by flight crew to GO BACK TO HIS SEAT (without his bag). He eventually does. They move the plane.

Can you guess what happened next? Seatbelts come off and dude dives into his second linebacker run to the back of the plane. Same deal – shouldering and excusing all the way. Turdburglar.

Now, this guy’s bag was embroidered with the logo of a very large consulting firm, which, while it doesn’t mean he works for them, suggests that he ought to have enough brains to know this is a futile activity. When he gets to his bag, did he expect to shoulder back to the front of the plane again? I have a feeling the other passengers were not going to cooperate with that, especially after having been shoved not once, but twice.

Bonus: To the couple who tried to cut the security line today by asking the slacker guy 20 people ahead of them if they could go ahead of him – you suck! And to the woman who told them NO – you are my fucking hero – the Bitch to my Bastard!

Lesson: Don’t be a dickbag. Unless, of yourse, you are an actual scrotum. In that case, it’s OK.

Wanna Get There Real Slow? Take the Big Boat!

Believe it or not the Bastard does indeed recognize that good travel is really about the journey, not just the arrival. With that in mind the Bastard has traveled slowly on occasion, taking the road less traveled, the restaurant less touristy, the tour guide with less teeth. But when he saw this article about traveling by container ships, well, that made the Bastard’s puckered visage crack into something horrible that vaguely resembles a smile:

Most of the major global shipping lines CMA-CGM, Canada Maritime, and Bank Line offer paying passengers to hop on one of their lines. As a paying passenger you are accommodated in guest cabins and have access to most areas of the ship.

Captains and crew spend a lot of time on the water, and they are usually happy to have a fresh face walking around their workplace, meaning that they may even invite you to eat with them, give you tours of the ship and maybe even have you over for an Officer’s happy hour.

Continue reading How to Travel by Cargo Ship »

Lesson: The Bastard wants to travel by a conveyance designed to carry big steel boxes full of the shit that people probably don’t really need. He’s also thrilled by the idea that his boat could tip over at any moment like the Cougar Ace.

United Airlines Redefines Horrific Service (Even for Them!)

Just when it seems like the airlines can’t possibly soak you for any more fees or invent any new ways to piss you off , one of them goes and takes it to a whole new level. After Anita Cabral bought tickets for 8 passengers to Hawaii six months in advance, United bumped much of her party from their flight and proceeded to lie, lie lie about it…

But that made no sense. Her stepfather had just confirmed his seat, using a different reservation number, so the flight obviously wasn’t canceled.

United threw out another explanation – a computer “lost” their reservations. That made no sense, either. If her reservations weren’t in the computer, why did she get an e-mail telling her to check in?

At last, United confessed. There was indeed a flight, but they’d been bumped from it. Their assigned seats had been sold to someone else.

And of course, United was not interested that the trip was…

a chance for her grown children to see their father, Cabral’s ex, who was in a hospice dying of cancer.

The Bastard is not the litigious type but I’d be beating a path to my lawyer’s door on this one. Fuck!

Continue reading Bad airline stories are nothing like this »

Lesson: The airlines, even more than most companies, can and will take any opportunity to fuck you over. After 60 years listening to customers whine and bitch about service many no longer give a shit about serving anyone. Which is great for the airlines that do care. And you know who they are. If you don’t check here.

Airlines’ Rising Fees have Confused, Angered the Bastard

The Bastard thinks of USA Today as the PEOPLE Magazine of news, but since it appears magically outside of his hotel room he occasionally gifts the broadsheet with his withering gaze. Today, the Bastard’s eyebrows were raised momentarily in surprise when he discovered something actually useful in the rag, and thus he has deemed to inform you of it.

Aside from the typical complaints you’ve been seen across media outlets about the increase in fees that airlines are instituting to buttress revenues against fuel prices, USA Today has included a very handy chart to compare fees across airlines! From 1st, 2nd, and 3rd bag-check fees to snacks to frequent-flier fees to airline clubs to book-by-fone fees, this table strokes the Bastard’s infoporn node quite vigorously. Unfortunately, the web version isn’t as pretty as the print version – but it dies the trick.

Click here to see the table (scroll down to bottom of article) »

Lesson: USA Today doesn’t always suck. Economy passengers should expect ticket prices to include a seat and a carry-on and that’s it. Everything else will be ala carte in the near future – even at Southwest. Mark my words.

Don’t Drink from the Hotel Drinking Glasses, Dummy!

This is my no means new news but it always bears repeating for folks that aren’t as in the know as your precious Bastard. Take a moment and consider: have you ever seen glasses being transported to and from rooms at hotels, presumably to be washed? Have you ever observed any sort of mechanism to wash glasses as part of the room service cart? No? The Bastard hasn’t either – because glasses are not transported nor are they cleaned properly. They are hastily cleaned in the room by the attendants who really don’t give a fuck how clean your glasses are.

See also: Snopes on Hotel Glasses

Lesson: Don’t fucking drink from the water glasses at your hotel. You may place change in them, scoop doggie doodoo with them, use them for making sandcastles, but never, ever drinking. Sealed disposable plastic cups are OK. Purchase your own plastic cup to take with you in your travels and stuff a pair of clean underwear into it for packing effeciency.